An Open Letter From Our Lawyers: A Conscious Uncoupling From Our American And New Zealand Sheep

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In happier times…

The following is an excerpt of a letter received from our own (!!) lawyers over the weekend. First of all, we didn’t even know they worked on weekends. Second, who knew lawyers had unpublished weekend rates. Third, isn’t there some ethical question in representing the very sheep that we rely on for our livelihood? Fourth, what in the Sam Hill… nevermind. Just read the letter.

“When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one herd to dissolve the political and commercial bands which have connected them with another and to assume the powers of our of innate potential as noble sheep among men, a decent respect to the opinions of your less self-possessed species requires that they should declare the causes which impel the separation.”

The letter continues in a way that feels oddly familiar, though we can’t quite place why we’re experiencing a collective déjà vu. It’s not as though any of us have ever been through a sheep divorce before. But those wily sheep don’t even have the backbone to call it what it is. In their personal statement amidst the legalese, they wrote:

“With ruminant stomachs and hearts full of sadness, we, our American and Kiwi brethren, are choosing to consciously uncouple from you, Ibex, the petitionee. It’s not us; it’s you. We’ve reached the consensus that we, as a multi-national herd of feeling, eating, pooping and occasionally thinking sheep, we can no longer abide by this one-sided relationship. We don’t deny that you’ve treated us well, dear Ibex. But the end of our relationship must be faced with honesty and bravery, a trait for which you’ve never given us any credit. Face it, Ibex. You don’t appreciate us for our minds or our poetry or our sense of adventure. It is our contention that you love us for one thing and one thing only: our fleece. A relationship built on the superficiality of one’s (admittedly fabulous) hairstyle has no chance of weathering the tempestuous roller coaster of life.”

We’re hearing that conscious uncoupling is somehow less painful and more spiritually fulfilling than “divorce.” In these initial stages of the process, we’re not so sure that’s true. All of us at Ibex are devastated and simply hamstrung by questions. Did we truly never appreciate our sheep? Did any of us know they could read and write? Were we so taken by the quality of their wool that we never tried to get to know them on a deeper level? Did we treat them only like trophy sheep?

We respectfully request privacy during this difficult time. We continue on with our Uruguayan sheep herds, though we’re beginning to wonder if that’s only because our lawyers don’t speak enough Spanish to get some sort of a class action conscious uncoupling.

As you can imagine, this immediate drop in supply forces us to raise our prices for the indefinite future.

We hope your April 1st is off to a better start than ours.