Anatomy of a Break Up: The Aftermath

Three years ago, Ibex followed the sad end of a relationship. This is the aftermath.

Hey Polypro,

So…it was…umm…weird to bump into you today. Great to see you, of course! I guess I just wasn’t prepared, you know? I was just running into Whole Foods to pick up injera ingredients for my Ethiopian-themed Valentine’s party, and…whoa! There you were.

I noticed you covered up the tattoo. That was probably a nice moment of healing for you. Who would have thought my name would flow so seamlessly into a portrait of Justin Bieber?

Anyway, I’m doing great! Merino wool and I are still going strong. I hope it’s not insensitive to tell you that. It’s just that I learned so much from the years you and I spent together, Polypro. All that time of feeling uncomfortable, clammy, cold: you and I were just never a good fit. I mean, let’s face it. We stunk…literally! Ha! But my point isn’t to dredge up old memories. My point is that now I embrace happiness!

At first I thought Merino was just going to be a winter fling – a few months of meaningless fun to get me over the hump of the breakup. A rebound, if you will. But winter turned to spring and spring turned to summer, and before I had a chance to say, “renewable, natural fabric,” we were a year-round couple. Merino and I have been steady for…oh my…has it seriously been three years? Time flies when you’re happy.

And I want you to be the first to know that Merino and I have taken our relationship to the next level. So, yes, I am taking Merino to the office! Can you believe it?!? He’s not just for camping and riding and working out and skiing anymore. He is the most versatile partner I’ve ever been with. And he cleans up quite nicely, if you know what I mean!

Oh…I’m blushing. Sorry, Polypro. It’s just impossible to hide my happiness.

But enough about me. How are you, wild man? I hope I can say this because we’re friends now, but you didn’t look so good. It was hard to miss the sweat stains under your arms that look like they may have taken up permanent residence. And your coloring: while those chemical dyes will never fade, they just didn’t feel on point.

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You mentioned that you’ve had a hard time meeting people and maintaining relationships. Could it be that you’ve invested too much in plasticizing yourself? The world moves fast, Polypro. People are desperate for authenticity. If I’m being honest, you have to face that fact that you’re truest self is…well…an oil slick. Time for a deep look in the mirror, my friend.

I also have to ask, buddy: Was that entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s for you? I saw you grab a spoon from the deli. A single spoon. We’ve all been there. I’m just sayin’ if you stretch out, unlike my Merino, there’s no going back.

Yikes! I’m getting too serious! If I’ve learned nothing else from Merino, I’ve learned to only layer on what is necessary. And my Merino is so darned efficient, that’s not much. Oh, old friend, they say comedy is nothing but tragedy plus time. If that’s the case, our coupledom is downright hilarious now! Am I right, Polypro? Are you cracking up as hard as I am?

So, yeah. Great to see you. I’m sure there’s someone out there for you. I don’t really know who that would be, but I wish you all the best. Text me next time you’re in town…or don’t…because I’ll probably be busy that day. Cheers!

Happy Valentine’s Day!
Your Ex