Once the esteemed fellows at the national Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) created a preparedness and prevention campaign for the Zombie Apocalypse, we were sold. What more proof can you possibly need?
According to the CDC, “If you’re ready for a zombie apocalypse, then you’re ready for any emergency.” True that.
In just over the past year at Ibex HQ in Vermont, we’ve survived Hurricane Irene, a FEMA-declared severe storm disaster, a balmy and dry winter, Ben & Jerry’s mixed up in a porn lawsuit (say what?), and the sad story of a brain worm-infected moose. Bring on the zombies; nothing can faze us now.
The interweb is rife with rules, suggestions and absolutes about zombies and their attack patterns. Because Ibex cares, we’ve scoured the experts of the ether and have collated the biggest threats to survival during the zombie apocalypse.
You will be running. To the uninitiated, it would seem zombies would provide a slow speed chase. Not so. You’re endurance and speed will be tested, which means you’ll need the wicking power of Merino wool.
It is imperative that you remain odor-free. According to the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency (yeah, that’s a “thing”), “…zombies have even more receptor cells than vampires.” You read that right. Since, the undead can detect you’re stink from miles away, naturally odor-resistant wool is your best layer of protection (pun fully intended).
The jury is still out on zombie competence in the aqueous environment. Most experts agree that while zombies most likely cannot swim, they can walk under and through water – possibly even surviving completely submerged for up to three days. Not only will humans need water to survive post-apocalypse, there are also strong arguments for finding hiding spots surrounded by water (for hydration, fishing, energy production, etc.).
The bottom line is that Merino wool will keep you warm even when you inevitably slip into the cold, murky lake or when you fall while being chased by a horde of the undead in a midnight rainstorm. (Reference any B-horror movie if you doubt this will happen to you.) Synthetic base layers aren’t much of a weapon in the middle of soaking wet zombie smackdown. Listen, if you’re going to be terrified by lumbering zombies, Ibex wants you to at least be comfy and toasty!
Fashion in perpetuity. A New York Times blog covered our chances for survival “….should one infected zombie show up in a town of one million residents.” Let’s put it this way: it’s not looking good for the living so we may begin formulating our plan B: fashion for the undead.
We think we can all agree that Michael Jackson’s seminal work with “Thriller” set the bar for zombie fashion. We can also agree a red leather zipper jacket with enormous shoulder pads is a touch gauche for eternity, no? Perhaps a suit and tie? Well, that’s just overdone.
Yet again, a lovely Merino wool ensemble will keep you warm through your transition and the clean Ibex silhouettes won’t overpower your diminishing zombie frame. When you’re stuck in permanent stasis, take control of your sartorial future by opting for natural wool fiber that will never go out of style!
Best of luck!