Ibex How-To: How to Talk About Your Gear as if it’s Running for Political Office

Our neighbor to the East gets all of the attention in election years (damn you, New Hampshire)! It’s just not fair, we tell you. Here at Ibex, we’ve got a fever for politics and there isn’t enough cow bell in all of the dairy states to satisfy. We take the governance of the country and our responsibilities as citizens quite seriously. Even so, it’s hard to escape the circus quality of our modern elections.

So we got to thinking: while the national media is bickering over platforms in the Presidential election, we’d take up the passionate calls to action of our outdoor gear. Like any good campaign manager, we have to be ready with sound bites, interpretations of the opponent’s capabilities and over-inflated egos. Fact-checking be damned! Context is for the weak. Let’s get out there and buy…err…earn some votes!

Ibex_Woolies_merch.jpegWhy limit your election year options to just Red and Blue?

How to pitch your gear as if it were running for office

Step One: Define your identity. Your gear needs to announce to the world why it makes the user instantly cooler/more athletic/more attractive/smarter than the competition.

  • Example: Use the word “innovate.” Use it early and use it often. Use it as a response to any question to which you don’t have an answer.

Step Two: Announce your platform. Slightly different than defining your identity, this is the part where you differentiate your candidate/gear from the others. Important: never use the actual name of your competition.

  • Example: “In test after test (meaning two subjective tests designed and executed by employee of manufacturer), our jacket has proven to be the go-to piece when it’s 30-degrees below zero and snowing sideways – not like those “other guys” who are always rambling on about versatility.“

Step Three: Make bold claims. Promise, promise, then promise some more. Let’s not get caught up in the pesky details of checks, balances and democracy. Post-election you can blame everything on being misquoted.

  • Example: “My ultra-light backpack holds three Thanksgiving dinners, an eight-man tent and a small ATV.  And it only weighs 12-oz. Plus, it solves world peace. Yeah, world peace.”

Step Four: Step Four: Cue the human interest story. No matter how tenuous, stretch to make some positive connection between your gear and someone’s actual, heartbreaking story. Turn their misery into your gain.

  • Example: “Meet Kate. She and four thousand other people were cut off from their fresh water supply by a massive mudslide that killed an entire village. Luckily, the innovative ballistic bases on our skis meant they wouldn’t miss out on skiing – even when mud provided the only piste. Thanks to our scratch-free bases, Kate hasn’t missed a day of recreating.”

Step Five: Prepare your acceptance speech. The important detail to remember is that you’ll give the same speech – win or lose.

    • Win: Your belief in [insert gear here] has carried us through to this day and we’re not stopping here – regardless of what “the competition” implies. We aim to continue on with our mission!
    • Lose: Your belief in [insert gear here] has carried us through to this day and we’re not stopping here – regardless of what “the competition” implies. We aim to continue on with our mission!

Good luck out there. Let’s fight fair and encourage productive discussion. And if that doesn’t work, we can always keep doing exactly what we’re doing now.

Good luck out there. Let’s fight fair and encourage productive discussion. And if that doesn’t work, we can always keep doing exactly what we’re doing now.

Now seriously: make your voice be heard and be part of a solution. Promote civil debate, engage locally, and vote. You know you love your Ibex gear and we love making it for you. Access to outdoor recreation and conservation are two platforms in which we unabashedly believe.