I’m breaking up with you.
It’s not only that your name is impossible to spell, and that the very sound of it is a dead give-away to your “born-in-a-laboratory” birthright. It’s just that I’ve found a better partner, and I’m madly in love.
Who it is isn’t as important as why. I don’t intend to be cruel, Polypro, but there’s no delicate way to get around the fact that you stink. You’ve tried silver deodorants, carbon particles and bacteria-killing mini swordsman (a claim I never fully understood), and all prove powerless to your olfactory assault.
I was, at first, seduced by your bright colors and quick-dry claims. To your credit, you’ve always moved moisture well. But as the years progressed, I began to see that sweat you took away from me – you were keeping for yourself. You would flaunt your riches by hoarding the smell of past runs and rides, and unleashing the ungodly odor at wildly inappropriate times….like moments after I’d laundered you. You hurt me, Polypro. And in the process, you managed to offend my friends and family.
“I kept you dry,” you may argue. And I can’t deny we shared that. But my delicate skin stayed dry with a lifeless petroleum-based albatross hanging on my back. There’s not enough hot pink dye in the universe to overcome that cold feeling of a man-made fiber hug.
Polypro, I wish you no ill will, but we need some distance. I don’t want to see you around town or out on the hill. Everywhere I look, I see your buddies and all I can think is how I used to be a willing part of your take-no-prisoners, plasticized gang. We were so young and reckless, weren’t we? Thankfully, I can now reflect on the bad decisions of so long ago and move forward.
Moving on, I’m hooking up with wool. Merino is his first name. No, he’s not Italian. You know I’ve always had a thing for Kiwis!
I don’t want to parade our happiness in front of you. Merino and I are just a better fit – literally and figuratively. He comes from the backs of noble animals living in verdant fields. He doesn’t hold my perspiration against me, and he never brings up old sweat in new outings. He’s tender and he fits me like a glove, yet he always knows when to give me space.
When we go out together, he’s fully engaged in everything I do. Even when we’re in the middle of a kick-ass workout, with sweat dripping, he keeps me warm.
Let me tell you….Merino has some serious longevity, too. Why are you blushing? Geez, Polypro, I’m not talking about that. Get your mind out of the gutter. I mean he’s made from durable fiber. This relationship will last for years and years. If it ever comes to an end, he’s told me I can place him gently in the earth – to return from whence he came.
Oh, shoosh! You never were much of a romantic…another reason why I’m kicking your butt to the curb. Wait, no. You can’t draw me into your drama, Polypro.
I’ve found the love I’ve been seeking with wool. And I’m old enough and wise enough to know I deserve it. Thank you, Polypro, for helping to shape the person I am today, but my future, my heart and my body will now and forever reside with Merino.
Wishing you all the best,