Five Steps to a Perfect Halloween

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Photo by: Juushika Redgrave, via Flickr Creative Commons, cc by 2.0

Halloween: you are a beautiful holiday! Fun, spooky, inventive: there’s a little something of everything for everyone. Traditionally, October 31st is a celebration of harvest, of the end of the summer, and of all those we love – the living and the dead. It is a celebration and a vaguely ominous beacon that, yes, my friends, winter is coming.

It’s a time of togetherness, as families walk the streets of their community and bellow greetings to neighbors with whom we are usually too busy to connect. We welcome strangers to our doorsteps, and for one night the world becomes unified in a singular focus to make children smile.

In the pageant of costumes, community and the changing seasons, we implore you to take a moment to focus on the true meaning of Halloween – the metaphorical glue that binds all the various aspects of this ancient ritual together:

Candy.

What other time of year is it socially acceptable to have a plastic bucket filled to the brim with candy? When, under the auspices of “good parenting” can you rummage through the earnings of your offspring and steal remove the best items for yourself?

Five easy tips for maximizing your candy haul on Halloween 2015: 

1. Map out your route. Unless your child was born just this past year, you have no excuse for not knowing the best neighborhoods for trick-or-treating. You’re looking for maximum occupancy rates per square block, people. It’s just good parenting.
2. Listen to the word on the street. The house on the corner is handing out “healthy” treats this year? PASS.
3. Don’t be lured in the by the promise of full-size candy bars. There’s one house every year that gives out regular-sized candy. Do not go there. First, your children will notice when their king-size PayDay has gone missing. Second, there’s a law of mathematics that states, “All of the mini-candies in the world, when eaten consecutively, will never equal the size, caloric count, or dread of one, single, full-size bar.”
4. Implement a candy tax. By virtue of being the best parent ever, you are entitled to X% of candy earnings, and importantly, the variety is up to your sole discretion.
5. Hershey Kisses don’t count. We can’t explain it, but a miracle happens every Halloween, wherein the chocolate (and almonds, if you’re so inclined), calories, and sugar-contained in each, teeny-tiny, Hershey Kiss are all mysteriously nullified on October 31. You can eat them non-stop for a 24-hour period with no ill effects of upset stomach, decaying teeth or increased chance of breakouts on November 1. Don’t ask questions. Just enjoy the miracle and recycle the evidence of the ever-increasing ball of tiny foil wrappers in your pocket.

Above all, Happy Halloween!